You know where you wake up, and your mind is full of negative thoughts? Where you mind is telling you, go back to sleep today is a bad day, even though the day hasn't started. I instantly turned my alarm clock off at 6:00am, walked back to bed, just one more hour in bed, I will get out of bed make porridge. By other alarm went off two minutes later, this time it's my wrist vibrating, turn that off. Just one more hour, that hour would change everything. My other alarm went off at 7:00am. Just 10 more minutes until I get my breath. I instantly fall back into bed, snuggled next to my teddy bear Rodger. I woke up at 8:00am, I got out of bed put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. Got myself ready for the ParkRun.
Sometimes the black dog enters my life, it just creeps on you and bounce on you when you don't expect it. You think you got anxiety (enter mental illness) on control. Then this black dog just don't like it when you are happy and got you life together. I nearly let it take my morning away but I told myself if I can get out of bed, move for a bit. As I all I needed to do was to take some steps. Movement doesn't have to be defined by running a marathon. Sometimes it feels like doing a marathon just to get out of bed.
I made it down to the kitchen, I started my morning routine to try and find momentum to get out the front door. I ate some breakfast that I know won't upset my tummy when I start running in less than an hour but can eat reality quickly. I tried and tried to not listen to the voice telling me to return to the safety of my cave aka my warm bed cuddling my teddy bear Rodger. It was hard, I let go and ran quickly to my bedroom and jump into my bed. And asked myself. Why do I run? I run because I can and to free this black dog!! So I soon, left the front door and told myself 'You are strong enough to get this far, you are strong enough to keep going.'
No turning back! I left my tissue back at home. A) Do I run back home. B) Keep heading to the bus stop. If I do A I would risk of not getting out of the front door again and just stay at home with this black dog of mine. Or B just endure a runny nose. I decided to keep heading to the bus stop.
I did the parkrun, it wasn't the best. Physically I struggled because of my right calf was hurting so so so much I tried to walk it off. Then mentally I wasn't able to continue it was like something was telling me not to run. Though I end up talking to someone who used to live in Reading but studies up in Newcastle. Such a small world!! I didn't get a fast time but who cares. I came home without a lead, and no black dog in sight! I left him in the field full of cows where he belong.
Movement doesn't have to be defined as 'I just ran a marathon' Sometimes, getting out of bed and carry on your day to day activities deserves just as much cheer for the strength as someone running a marathon or got a medal for something or even get a PB!! It just comes downs to taking a single breath and say to yourself 'I am enough'.
Some people may call you lazy when your mind is against you, ranting at you, and you cannot face the day ahead despite how hard you try, you just stay in your bedroom where it is safe. I see through that, I see you. Just take a single step with me, go somewhere to drop of that black dog. I'm with you, in your step.
Keep moving......Keep living.
